ripples

and with this..

2006-01-14T14:18:00.000+07:00

I conclude this blog. ;)

"We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors; if it has abysses, these abyssess belong to us; if there are dangers, we must try to love them. And only if we arrange our lives in accordance with the principle which tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience. How could we forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage" - Raine Maria Rilke

Luceat Lux! ;)

I'm off to a new adventure!

endings and beginnings

2005-12-22T20:05:00.000+07:00

I'm still here at the workroom right now.
Our browser at home (internet explorer) is not working well.
I can't browse along websites properly so it's only now that I have written again.

I did write some ramblings in my LJ but that's it.
I haven't written thoroughly about all the feelings, reflections and insights I've had and are experiencing ever since Christmas.

The recent Christmas was more quiet compared to the past years I've had.
It was the most different as well - with all the changes that we have experienced in our family.
I feel older. My lola and lolo are not around. The dynamics in our family is changing.
I have more responsibilities and I'm all grown up already. This time, I say this without whining.
I've accepted the fact that things will never be the same. I have moved on. I am moving on.

For New Year's eve it was also weird..weird but not exactly bad.
I've gone beyond seeing it simply as that.
I'm still very hopeful, but this time around I know there is a lot of work to be done for things to happen. It will not merely happen like in fairy tales.

I appreciate the insights I've gained from reading some books. It has shifted my perspective and shed light to my seeking soul. I'm changing. I have changed.

I remember what one of my friends wrote me in a birthday card: "Masyado ka kasi mabait, maging masama ka naman," I didn't exactly comprehend it at that time but recently I realized how I have tolerated the disrespectful actions of people towards me. I always thought that by not paying attention to those kinds of remarks and behaviors, you prove yourself a better person. "I will not step down to your level," that's what I always tell myself. However, because of the struggles I have encountered with my students, I realized I shouldn't just walk out and ignore those things especially since I'm a teacher. I don't want my boys to grow up without any sense of respect for people because I just ignored their misbehavior and disrespect. If I tolerate disrespect, I allow people to step on me. I tell them that it's okay. Now, I'm more aware and I'm grateful for this.

Teaching has lead me to transcend myself. I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses more. I've struggled with myself and now I think I've gone out of my old skin. It feels weird but at the same time exciting to be faced with more challenges ahead, knowing I've learned so much and I have grown.

I can't wait to see myself transcend once again.

For this year, I pray for a discerning, inspired and enlightened soul.

i like possibilites

2005-12-20T23:31:00.000+07:00

=) I'm reading a yellow book right now - "The Art of Possibility" by Roz Zander and her husband Ben. I'm starting to like it. ;) It talks about creativity, thinking out of the box and enjoying your life.

I will post quotable quotes from the book once I have the copy. I'm too lazy right now to get it. I'm comfortable typing away while drinking my sweet smelling jasmine green tea.

I like the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as well. Hehe it's such an easy read. I'm starting to like fantasy/adventure books although I'm not a fan of Harry Potter. I like the underlying themes and issues in Narnia. I like how simple the real human issues are presented and how graphic and vivid the story is presented. I can't wait for the movie.

I haven't read many books yet that I promised I would read. So many books, so little time hehe. I'm honestly not a bookworm but I realized the importance of reading books. Nakakainggit yun isang Baudelaire. I forgot his name but he was the one who always loved to read and it was cool how he knew how to do or solve many things because he was well read.

Anyways, I have had many things on my mind lately - some reflections and ramblings. I want to do many things. I want to achieve many things. I need to evaluate this year and plan for the next one soon. ;) Backtrack/Rewind then integrate and move forward. Haha alam ko may tawag dito na framework of analysis eh..hm,what was that again? Basta. I need to get some time and space to reflect,gather my thoughts, listen and discern. Right now, part of me is too excited, overwhelmed and worried.

I miss Nanay.

2005-12-16T16:39:00.000+07:00

I'm missing Nanay terribly.

I got lots of gifts from my boys -lots of interesting and not quite typical gifts but nonetheless nice. =) (from the bird of paradise flower to the yards of peach cloth ;p)

They're not encouraged to give gifts to teachers anymore but I found it hard to say no when they give me. In general, it's hard to reject when people give or show their affection. My famous line: "Thanks, although you shouldn't have."

When I have stories like this I think of Nanay. She would get excited and happy about what I got. She was always fond of me. She always wanted me to have many things. When my sister got something, she would ask me to ask for that as well. She always wanted me to look my best and have the best. SOmetimes, she's like that to the point that it gets suffocating. I realized how she has been my security blanket all these years. That's why people see me as someone who's very secure of herself.

Nanay always believed in me despite the fact that I'm a late bloomer in many things. She never saw me as a loser. I never felt I was dumb even if I almost failed to pass Prep because I had problems with Reading. I always knew I was beautiful even if there were times I felt ugly. She would always tell me to smile because when you smile people see your beauty. I remember the nights we talked on and on about what happened over an exciting day. She would ask me questions that would prompt me to share what I experienced and how I felt about it. We would have fun just lying in bed talking until we get tired and decide to sleep. She has been my roomate for almost 2 decades! (19 years!) The longest time I was away from her was when we went to the United States for 3 weeks back when I was 12. I realized how much my relationship with her has affected who I have become. I don't want to seem too important but I believe I'm one of her missions in life. How she affected me has and still is and wil be affecting the people I relate with. I will always cherish her love for me and my love for her. I miss having her in my life. I miss having someone who is always there (physically and emotionally.) I miss having someone who accepts me unconditionally, with whom I would have all my guards down.

(I miss you Nanay. Now I can give you some of the things I used to promise to give you as a kid. I remember pointing at things in the mall and telling you that I would buy these for you when I grew up. We would pretend and dream together about the things I would afford to give you and we were content in our own small world. Now I have SM gift checks. I don't know what to do with them. Well, ofcourse I'll buy gifts and give my sisters, Mom and Papa but I want to buy something for you as well. I'll just buy something that I will give to those in need. In a sense, you're doing this act of kindness. Hay, I'm just grateful that atleast I was given the grace to say goodbye to you before the angels took you away. I fed and massaged you. I hugged you real tight and I was able to say "I love you." Then we prayed together - our last memory together.)

I don't want to be a KIA! I choose not to be one. =p

2005-12-15T11:56:00.000+07:00

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

It's time to come back. It's time to slow down.

2005-12-12T15:50:00.000+07:00

The feeling of taking a bath is refreshing, reawakening.

During these moments I find myself awake, I want to write.
I know I haven't been doing my best in everything.
I've been dwelling too much on the past.
The childish part in me is whining, procrastination.

I have to move on. I have to move forward.
I have to painfully let go.

Hayayay...growing up pains.

It's bittersweet but the future is also hopeful.

free day

2005-12-05T21:04:00.000+07:00

Stress! So many issues...and the plot grows thicker every moment. Ehehe ang drama ko pero totoo.

Sometimes just laughing your heart out feels good. Going back to Ateneo was refreshing.

It felt so weird hanging out at the STrains room. I felt uh..how can I explain it. It felt weird. I wasn't part of it anymore. I felt like I was looking at something as an outsider when I used to be an insider.

Anyways, my super destresser was hanging out with one of my best buds! ;) Thanks RD! Thanks for listening and hearing me vent out all the issues tissues that are sooo bloody I just can't go on talking about it with everyone.

I used to be like this. I used to tell everyone how I felt and what was bothering me. Well, actually now, I still have that tendency but because my issues are too bloody and I'm in a different environment, it's not that simple anymore.

I just feel guilty how the people I care about whom I have had fights with sometimes seem mean or bad because I tell people about our fights.
Basta yun. Haha I'm sooo vague. Well, it's intentional I suppose. I can only be too public. =p

I was supposed to write other personal stuff but I'm hesitating.
Hm, why do I write in my blog anyways?
I don't know it's therapeutic.

I miss reflecting. I miss slowing down and enjoying each moment as it comes.
I miss walking in Ateneo at night. I miss not thinking about many things.

Hohum haha I'm sooo out of it. My mind has been boggled and battered. =p

The phone rang. Now, I'm back
Woohoo! I talked to my girlfriend ;) hehe Oh! =)
Although we talk about super heavy things as well(sabi nga natin dati OA), it still feels good after. It's because I think one way or another we're all in (the same boat...hmmm rather) the same sea with the same waves, although we're on different boats (issues.) Hehe I'm babbling again.

Anyways, I have tons to do: Two lesson plans! (one for Language: Verb Tense: Present, one for Reading: Word Analogy); I have to check a reading project (70+ papers) and writing activites but I'm in work mode right now. I've released my stress.

I just feel happy knowing I have best friends who I know will remain close friends even if we're all changing.

They say nothing is constant except change...but I want to add that Love is eternal.
Sabi nga sa isang quote I got from one of the Ignatian stuff:

"Every time you say to God: "I will change so you will love me," God is saying "you've got it wrong. You don't have to change so I will love you. I love you so you can change."

While walking after going to Gesu, I was looking up the sky. It was beautiful. If only I had a camera. The sky was light blue with light orange cotton candy clouds mixing in the background. It was getting darker. The moon was faintly gleaming. A song popped in my mind....Orange Sky =) "in your love, my salvation lies...."
Thank you Lord. ;)

=)

2005-11-29T17:22:00.000+07:00

I'm just really tired right now, physically that is.
I'm also hungry. Hehe
I need to work work work!
=p

I want to see my sisters.

I wrote this down a few days ago.
I come back and stop. I'm tired as well right now.
Although we've been having breaks and I appreciate the no class days, I'm just tired physically.
Tired but okay. =)

Hmmm...it's Christmas time again.
Ang bago ng simoy ng hangin (is this a phrase from a song? parang...)
I miss being with STrainers (orgmates) during this time.
They're probably practicing for caroling.
Hay, nakakamiss kumanta ng Christmas carols. =p

"Isang dalagang naglilihi...batang lalaki ang sanggol.."
"Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan"
"Pam pam pam pam, parapapam pam...Come they told me...parapapampam"
"Oooh oooh oooh oooh Pasko na sinta ko, alaala kita. Bakit nagtatampo? Nilisan ako"

I love the Christmas spirit. It just feels all warm inside. It makes you want to smile and hug everyone you see. Hope is such a magnificent thing. =)

Forgiveness, Love and Faith makes things possible.

lalalala haha just need this right now to stop and pause.
I've been having the tendency to dwell on my emotions or get distracted. I miss reflecting. I miss relaxing. I miss praying. I miss my friends but thinking about them makes me smile. =p

(whehe sorry this is such a oh so happy entry..haha..para kong high)

=p

2005-11-24T10:48:00.000+07:00

I was supposed to finish an entry I wrote yesterda about my frustrations with teaching and with my 4-G boys but I accidentally deleted the entry. Anyways, I'm just taking a break right now. I'm still thinking if teaching is for me.

Ang hirap maging strict! Ehehe I'm not used to being very strict eh. Shucks. Natatawa kasi ako. Ang kukulit kasi. Either that, or I get so frustrated at them I start nagging them and scolding them. Waaaaahh! I'm becoming very ineffective. Sobrang basa na ng boys ko ang mannerisms ko. I don't have audible pauses anymore like ummss....but I realized I say "okay" a billion times! My goodness! That's why they mimic me. Waaah! Giving sticks (that's what we call warnings until they get detention) is not effective....Ang hirap maging nanay...este maging teacher especially when I'm the type of person who doesn't look like I get mad. I try to look mad but still. hay....the struggle!

Anyways, =) it's a long weekend so that's something to look forward to...and finally we have our pay slip na....so di na ako tag-hirap and I get to pay my dad. I need to learn how to maximize my palm..nagloloko pa eh.

I'm looking forward to seeing Block Y peeps later! =) Yay! After soooo long.... Then I'll probably pass by Ate Joy's for the CLC prayer session. =) Then on Sunday, yay!!! I'll see Fr. Dan. I need all these. Hehe support! zupport! (as the tnts say making the hand sign)....hmmm have to arrange our gimik rin pala next week! wooohooo....life is beautiful ;) bittersweet, painful, funny but beautiful. Thanks to the one up there! ;) I love you!

nose is not a person =p

2005-11-14T17:17:00.000+07:00

haha migmol...
wala lang. i miss being with good friends. i miss being in college.

I feel different. I know I'm stronger. I'm tougher but I feel older also. eek!
Haha God knows how much pain I've gone through. Hehe I'm sensing my emotions taking hold of me again.

Guess what? Finally, I got tipsy/drunk..for the first time...haha madrama pala ako pag-ganun. Goodness me! Unstoppable tears. The feeling was weird...hmmm....I suppose i'll post these thoughts in my private, emotions packed blog. My issues and emotions are too much to handle..even for myself. Hehe masyadong OA. Hmm....but i'm still okay.

I don't know what my point is.
Right now, I'm full of emotions. I miss old friends. I know I've changed a lot.
Welcome to the real world.
Or so I think.

But hehe biglang kabig, I'm still very grateful for many things. =) Ang galing.
Haha multiple-personality ata ako. Nope, just multi-faceted. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I just want to write to update you guys. hehe ang labo.

I will write a better entry next time, once I've settled my emotions and I'm not fully packed with work.

Minsan masarap madala na lang sa emosyon lalo na kapag hirap na hirap ka na. Naguguluhan ako. Hindi mo na ko kilala. Parang hindi na rin kita kilala. Ayoko ng ganito.

oh nose! ;p

2005-11-07T08:27:00.000+07:00

shemai siomai! ;)
chicklet choclate!
hehe

so many things to share.
so many emotions.

oh nose! =p
can it be?
it's probably a fleeting emotion but still i can't deny it.
=p nyak haha it's probably because of the circumstances.

as for smile, i dreamt of you. super stressed. kamusta ka na kaya?

"cause the angel has flown away from me....."

nakahinga na rin

2005-10-25T17:03:00.000+07:00

whew. hay. finally, I can take a breather...after cramming all the CS (class standing) grades, checking the bloody SWAs (short writing activties) and basically going crazy.....I've made it through the rain. Haha drama.

My lolo passed away last last week. It was such a shock to me although we were supposed to expect it to happen sooner or later since he's been having dialysis for 5 years! Galing nga...he's really a fighter. I will write more about these things next time.

For some reason, I want to write about happy or hopeful things in this blog. Although I know there are a lot of problems (as in OA na talaga 'to...pang-soap opera) but with close friends and ultimately God, everything else is nothing.

Thank you so much Lord for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for the people who reassure me that I am at the right place. Through all the tears and struggles, it has been very heart warming to realize I'm growing to be what I'm meant to become.

=) ang sarap huminga. I'm alive! =) There's hope. My lolo and lola's life will not be a waste with my sisters and I as their legacy. I will make sure of that.

hehe on a side note...very cute haha ;) a little boy (not my student but a family friend) wrote me a love letter. hehe ang kulit lang although I liked what he said. He never realized there were girls like me because he grew up thinking girls were very mean and manipulative. (Kasi naman yun 2 older brothers niya napikot ng girl.) Wala lang. I'm not sure who I'm talking to. But I just want to share. =) If you feel like the whole world is such a big mess full of suspicious or broken people, it's like you have horse blinders. You're not seeing the whole thing. The world is beautiful! There is so much love around. (don't worry this is natural high)

anyways, I'm babbling again. surf the net for a while then I'll go home. Tai-chi is the bomb! ;)

distractions =p

2005-10-08T15:46:00.000+07:00

Anagram of my whole name

Oblique rat race =p

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

2005-10-07T11:47:00.000+07:00

aaaahhhH!!!dsafj;iaret0a pajfslar;i tal;N!IOP!ajyp]oj
**^*%*GKLJH(PH!h(*^a%#!$&$($!*&)(*$!#(*&~_)*#$~

stress! growing up blues!

whew.

i'm such an extrovert

2005-10-05T05:52:00.000+07:00

I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts and problems.
However, one dilemma stems from this.
What if, my problem is something I can't share.
I just need a hug. =)
I miss STrainers because of this.
hehe in the STrains room you'll get bottomless hugs. =p
Well, I miss Sandy as well.

"Four hugs a day..that's the minimum"
;) hehe ang sarap ng feeling especially if you've miss someone so much.
A hug closes your gap in some sort of way. It's comforting to do after realizing that the two of you have grown apart and have separate lives.

One day at a time Lord. One day at a time. =)

crazy bittersweet crying moments

2005-09-26T09:07:00.000+07:00

hay....many people think I'm very optimistic. Well, I could be but sometimes people drain me.
hayayay....Patience!

I was supposed to post here last week, when I was really really down but I didn't have time to do so. That's the only line I was able to write. I got stuck with work. I've been running away from all emotions. Ayan, parang poop na pinipigil yun nangyari sa akin haha ang pangit ng analogy pero yun. Nabuhos ko lahat kahapon...bigla. Ang sarap, thinking about it now. Hmm...well sort of. Hehe I was by myself. Weird. I actually don't know why I'm writing it here. I realized how very public this blog could get. Hay. I'll just write somewhere else. Hehe =p
This has become my happy blog. Dun na lang siguro sa bloody blog ko.
I'm just babbling again. Sometimes it's hard to put things into words. On the other hand, simple and sincere words from people can be comforting.

;) I talked to my 4A boys a while ago...hmmm I think they're doing better.
Hehehe love-hate relationship talaga ko sa mga boys ko. Well, mostly love. ;) hihi
Even if I get frustrated with myself as a teacher, I can't help but smile because of the small things that my boys do. One boy wanted to help me carry my things going to the workroom. I said that it's fine I could manage and he said, "Come on, please accept my kindness." Hmm, that small thing is so me. Hehe I have a hard time asking for help but in the end I really need it.

Moments are fleeting =p
I can transcend these things. After all, we are all resilient.
Sabi nga sa song "Take the wheel and drive" =p
And "I believe love is the answer...I believe..."

As long as I know I love what I'm doing and I love my kids, I can keep going. =)
Thank you Lord! ;) Thanks for these moments.
Thanks for my boys =)

=p goodness!

2005-09-15T10:40:00.000+07:00

Goodness me! ;) haha I'm driving. I can't believe I am but I am =p

So many things have happened. As usual, I've been caught up with it all.
You could say I'm soo busy and stressed. There are definitely lots of frustrating and tiring moments. But I realized, (I sure hope this is not just because of my good mood today) that I'm enjoying what I'm doing despite all the stress and failures or conflicts within me. I'm growing up. Whehe

I'm too lazy to divulge all the details about how I started driving alone. It happened just this past weekend.

Right now, it's all good. Hehe I just want to feel the moment because I know there are still many papers to be checked, things to do, materials to prepare, papers to do, and the list goes on. I'm grateful that one way or another, I still find sense in what I"m doing and where I am right now. For some reason I've discovered strength in me I didn't know I have. =) Thank you Lord. I just need to continue my pursuit of excellence (well of trying my best) although I have to be patient with myself. =p

I'm storytelling tom! =) My story is my friend's story: "The yellow paper clip with bright purple spots! =p I'm excited already! I have a costume! =p

Shucks, want a digi cam badly to take pics of these precious moments! tsk...when can I save up for that? When? hehe there's a book fair now in school that I'm soooo tempted to buy books from. Teachers have a 10% discount! =p

that's it....just passing by ;) I'm off to work again!
Cacareerin ko na ito! hihihi

overloaded, i need to focus

2005-08-23T16:11:00.000+07:00

So many things have been going around me and within me.

I'm soooo stressed.
At first I thought of how college was a lot harder than teaching.
There would be sleepless nights, cramming and lots and lots of pressure.
It's either you submit it on time or nothing.

I ate up my own words.

Hayayay! Super stress.
It's because my work seems to be never-ending.
I suppose this is only a paradigm I'm looking at right now.
But still. I always wake up at 6am.
I feel like whining and yet I don't have the energy to do so.
I just want to have a break.
I want to just bum around for one day.

hmmm....I wrote this probably a few weeks ago. Right now, I don't know what to say to describe how I feel. It's a new month! =) It's the first ber month! Before, we all know it, Christmas is already in the air.

I'm happy but I'm distracted with everything I can't seem to focus. I can't seem to prioritize. It's hard to say no to something. It's hard to choose and decide. I feel very anxious.

For some reason, I think part of me knows what to do but I don't do it. There's still a part of me that wants to try out everything because of the fear of losing something. That was what I was like in college since in high school I felt I didn't open up at all to the opportunities around me. Now, I have to move on. It's hard. It's scary. I don't know if I'm making sense. These are just a few feelings I have that I think I've been running away from. I better face myself honestly. On the other hand, I also enjoy simple pleasures like watching the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my close friend and my sister. Crying feels good. haha walang structure ito...just typing all the thoughts and feelings that come to mind. I'm hurrying but part of me is not.

Oh no, my ate is here already. Gotta go. I will write an entry wit more sense. =p

floating

2005-08-08T18:06:00.000+07:00

Waah! I've been so harassed with all the papers I have to check. All the short writing activities piled up plus the penmanship stuff. My goodness gracious!

(La boo hoo la ha.....like what jackal said in the listening skill builder story I read a while ago. My goodness! I nearly lost my voice from doing 2 LSBs.)

Haha cute. One of my boys likes me. =p
I just hope that I could really be a good influence on them and not just someone they fancy.

Lalalala... I feel light. This could probably be due to the lack of sleep. I slept at 1am already because I was soo worried with everything I had to check. I realized although I'm stressed, I'm not very stressed. I find my work right now less stressful than when I was in college. I feel less pressure for some reason although I'm motivated to do well. (Well fine, I'm cramming a bit. I'm always easily distracted. Tsk.)

Anyways, I'm going on babbling again. I just want to write.
I had a few thoughts I want to remember.
I liked Fr. Johnny Go's homily this Sunday.
It talks about 3 things in our "storm jar" - COURAGE, AWARENESS of GOD and FAITH.
I have to take courage.

Grabe, ang bilis bilis ng panahon. I remember when I was so naive and blissful with life.
Talking to old friends makes me feel better.
I miss being a kid.
But I'm happy to teach kids. ;)

Anyways, I have lots of stuff to do.
I better leave this workroom before I get kicked out. (We only have until max of 7:30pm here...haha sinusulit ang internet access ;p)

bittersweet and happy

2005-07-30T16:00:00.000+07:00

For some reason, late last night while trying to finish my PowerPoint presentation for reporting in Edu203 class today, I found myself going through old STrains pictures. I had mixed emotions. Seeing the pictures made me smile, giggle, and say "awws" to myself. I was a bit teary-eyed. I saw pictures of my first evsem as well as one of the latter evsems I've attended.

I've changed a lot. From the naive, neneng days full of awkwardness, excitement, sillyiness to the more serious, emotional things and struggles I've experienced with these people. I realized how much I've shared with all of them - the teasing, love teams, petty arguments, crunch times, idealism, crying moments, surprises, high moments, confusion, inspiration, frustrations, passion, the relationships. I've discovered what it means to love, to be a true friend and to be a true person through and with this community.

Sometimes, (or oftentimes) we find change to be a very difficult process. It can get overwhelming. It can be heartbreaking. Through the real conversations I've shared with these people, all the changes and challenges throughout my college life have become bearable and rather inspiring.

I remember the reason why I first joined this organization. I didn't have any expectations. I just signed up because my friend reminded me that this org used to facilitate our group in high school. Little did I know that my simple act of openness will open me to a vast horizon full of memorable, learning and transcendental experiences with good friends. This just strengthens my belief that everything that happens in one's life is not a coincidence but an act of Divine providence.

When you've grown to love something, it's harder to let go and move on. It's what some would call bittersweet. Although I miss college terribly because of my friends, I'm still full of excitement. I realized, I'm not letting go. I may be moving on to more adventures and bigger challenges after college, but my STrains and Ateneo experience will always be part of me, part of who I have become and continue to share with others. I've discovered that I can be more and I can love more. It's not just about the organization anymore (although I admire the cause of the org) but moreover the philosophy I've come to develop because of my experiences in it. I will always be utterly grateful for this. I just hope and pray that STrainers new and old (as well as fellow Ateneans) will continue to experience the magic, magis and love through each other. May we all discover the light within us. Luceat Lux!

;) "to teach profound is to experience the attractions of love"
(In the highest stage of love, the individual forgets about his selfhood and his own desires)

"Education as man's eternal quest to transcend his limitations and to live by ideals instead of being seduced by the idols of immediacy"

"to teach profoundly is to inspire"

bittersweet = beautiful

=)

I need light. I want water. We need to listen =)

2005-07-22T13:14:00.000+07:00

=) Haha. I don't know what to write right now.
My thoughts have been cluttered this week.

I realized my emotions get the best of me sometimes - when I worry, when I get excited and when I just do something impulsive or spontaneous.

I still have a lot to do.
I feel like I've been detached from the world.
I haven't watched TV nor surfed the internet for a few days.
I seem to have drowned myself with all the things I have to do.
I'm usually uber tired when I get home that I end up sleeping or just bumming around.

Oh wells. Hehe =) It feels good to swim.
I grabbed the chance to swim at our pool at school during lunch time. I feel refreshed.

I don't know if I'm still making sense or I'm talking in order. Haha topic pa naman namin ngayon sa class: Writing supporting sentences and putting details into order. =p

Anyways, I find myself too lazy to share what's been happening to me.
I suppose ganun talaga. When you experience a lot, that's when you don't have to write about it.
Meeting up with some STrainers later tonight would be something to look forward to...I find it easier to share in person with feelings and actions haha =p

After swimming and listening to my thoughts, I realized I have to have more faith that things we'll eventually be in place.

*Note to myself: I should stop bringing work home! Make the most of my working hours and leave it there. Wala rin naman ako nagagawa. Bagsak na ko sa kama! =p

*Silent moments help!

btw, haha cool. I get to listen to Launch radio in YM late in the afternoon, since (only) this computer has YM. I like the station: Coffeehouse found in Work Music. =p

And I just remembered...something to do with what's happening with our country.
All the faculty and staff were required to attend a talk by Dr. Tolosa of the PolSci dept of ADMU.
I just have one thing to say (since I have to hurry, I have to let 1 boy take his make-up test...hay naku, kailangan mo pa habulin! oh wells =p hehe) I think one of my friends had a point.

I understand the CBCP's stand not to meddle in political matters. I believe we've had to much of that. I have to agree with them that we all have to discern what action we want to pursue. But I think it would be of great help if they provided a venue for everyone who has discerned to air out their point of view and standpoints in a diplomatic manner. Why not facilitate a dialogue where all the sectors of our society can gather together and form a consensus. I'm not sure if I'm being idealistic but I think someone has to open doors for everyone, to unite our very divided nation. What better institution to do it than the Church?

That's all for now. Sorry to cut it short. These are just random thoughts that have crossed my mind.

whew!

2005-07-03T20:09:00.001+07:00

June - what a very busy month.
I'm still busy but I think I'm starting to adjust.

There are so many things I'm learning from my whole teaching experience.

Sometimes, it sucks to find out you've made mistakes even if you've tried not to do so.

Sometimes, it's exciting to see my boys being excited with the class or learning from it.

I feel funny looking at them with their silly mannerisms and behavior - trying to act like they know a lot but they still have a lot to learn.

I should write more to help me focus.
I should reflect more so that I can maximize what I'm experiencing.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
There's a new and exciting day tomorrow.
Lord, please do keep me still and keep the fire burning.

oh happy day! ;)

2005-05-18T13:58:00.000+07:00

sabi ng isang co-new teacher ko ang drama ko. =p
whehe maybe ;p
but i'm real (and i can't go on without you...with J.Lo's voice on my head)
haha labo! =p yun pa...mas puwede ko admit. ;p
siguro, i have those moments when i feel awkward or a bit uncomfortable
but sometimes, super duper corny lang haha

anyways, I just want to share how grateful I am for many things. =)
It makes me smile.
I love my family. I love my friends.
My co-teachers are nice. When I feel confused or down, it seems like
there's always something that happens to me that comforts me.
Coolness!

Although, I'm still overwhelmed with all the changes I've gone through
the past months, I think all is well.
Besides having one more year to add to my age, I think I've learned so much
the past year that I never expected to learn and experience.

Now, I'm off to another big adventure! =p
Teaching!;)
waah! haha *giggles* oh nose!!! =p

I hope I'll do well. ;)
I know as long as I follow my heart, He will provide.
Thank you Lord! I labshu!

=)

2005-05-16T11:10:00.000+07:00

I want to write about my thoughts and my emotions but I'm having a hard time to find time for it. I want to write on my personal journal but it's more convenient to write online right now. The internet connection at work is really fast. (hehehe) I'm happy listening to songs online. ;)

I feel blessed. =)

overwhelmed!

2005-05-14T08:23:00.000+07:00

=)

I'm excited, I'm anxious but it's not obvious.
There are awkward moments.
I'm becoming a teacher.

Well, actually not yet.
I still don't have any students but
I'm starting to adapt and become integrated
to the culture of teachers, to the culture of the school.

I didn't realize I'm overwhelmed with all the changes.
There's just this uneasy, restless feeling that's not bad but just there.

ang galing-galing! ;) haha it's so excitng but soo overwhelming.
I haven't envisioned myself clearly as a teacher, inside the classroom.
I have so many things to do in order to prepare for June 7!

I like the motto of my new school! ;)
In college we had "Lux in domino" (Light of the World)
Now, I can say (with silly enthusiasm ;p) Luceat Lux!
(Let your light shine)

Coolness! haha but despite the enthusiasm, I'm also anxious.
I'm trying to adjust to a working environment.
Oh nose!!! =p No more stupid mouth for me. ;)

I just love crying! haha =p it's really therapeutic!

I'm off to another great adventure called teaching! ;)
I'll make a new blog for that so keep posted! =p haha

O, let's share our school stuff knowledge and tips to each other ah. =)

2005-04-26T16:45:00.000+07:00

An Invitation
by: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, an Indian Elder

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain, mine or your own,
Without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
And let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday,
And if you can source your life on the edge of the lake
And shout to the silver of the full moon.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone.
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you form the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
And if you truly like the company, you keep in the empty moments.

hayayay!

2005-04-17T01:08:00.000+07:00

i'm not sure if the misunderstanding with regard to my previous entry about maturity worsened because of the typo i made.
i actually thought of correcting it but the computer here at home is becoming sooo slow...add to the very hectic week, i wasn't able to do so.
what i meant was:
I SHOULDN'T push it. I realized that I shouldn't push people to think as I do or to feel as I do.

I'm sincerely sorry Louie. That part of my entry in the latter part is for you. I understand now that you're dealing with lots of stuff. I know you felt bad. I wanted to talk to you but I didn't find an opportunity to do so since right now I'm facing lots of stress also. I have to admit, I boxed you into someone whose so privileged, with no problems to not be grateful to God...but I was wrong. Lahat ng tao may problema kahit hindi halata.
Anyways, I believe it's better to talk to you in person.

Change topic...yikes....ehehe now i realized, my blog IS public. haha mukhang sira naman kasi ako =p i actually posted it at friendster. pero oks lang =) i want to share my thoughts din naman especially to my friends i haven't been in contact with...

so do i write in my unknown blog or do i post my emotions here?
hmmmm...

ang dami ko pa naman issues. haha baka mabuking ako! =p
pero naisip ko baka mas maintindihan ako...
ayoko naman magdrama at magpaawa or mag-whine.

ano ba ito....i'm talking (ooops writing to myself) again.
i'll just give a brief summary of my emotions...sana hindi masamain o kaya basahin ito ng mga hindi ko naman ganun ka-kilala.
please...you don't know me as much as you think.
(i think i'm becoming a schizo! haha sabog na ako. i don't feel like writing anymore.) i sense my emotional side is taking hold of me.

Humbled (but still emotional)
Maraming nasa utak at nasa puso ko -
ang gulo-gulo,ang komplikado.
Alam mo yun naiiyak ka na, natataranta
napapatunganga sa lahat
pero sawa na sa pagpatak ng luha
sa pait at sakit na nararamdaman mo
na nasa puso ng mga mahal mo.

Parang batang yagit, humahagulgol
pero hindi, ngiti pa rin.
Carry ko.Ako pa, magaling ako eh.
Malakas ako, matapang at hindi madaling masaktan.

Yun ang akala nila.
Pero sa totoo,tulad din ako ng iba, naiinis,
nagtatanong, naguguluhan, natutunaw.
Putik, minsan gusto ko na maging cynical.

Pero hindi.
Bakit pa kung sawa ka na, kung pagod ka na?
Hindi ko na talaga kaya.
Hindi ko kaya na mag-isa.

Nandiyan pala siya palagi.
Ako'y pinapa-tahan na.
Sa bawat patak ng luha at
patuloy na pag-asa
Siya ang lakas ko.
Ako'y nagtitiwala.

(note: sa aking mga friendly friends na gusto ng update from me...umm...i realized i need some time on my own muna. ayoko naman ito maging big time issues blog ko. basta, oks lang ako. let's just say i need to live out all the things i have discerned about..and i'm having a hard time. back to the real world. di na ako neneng and i can't just pretend i'm not responsible enough to deal with things maturely. malupit agad ang sumalubong sakin pagkatapos ng 8 days of silence to the point that i hold those days sacred. it's where i draw strength from. basta promise...when everything has calmed down. i will write again.)

maturity

2005-04-10T18:49:00.000+07:00

wow! =) hehe lots of changes, lots of experiences.

i don't know how to begin so i'll just start.

i'm soo happy because i believe i'm 95% sure with regard to my application to Xavier School as a grade school teacher.

God is really good. ;) I feel blessed. I was able to go through my class demo, then panel interview after...smoothly.

I'm really excited. (haha kinikilig ako! =p)
But at the same time, I don't want to be carried away by my emotions.

There are somethings that I'm also grateful for....I can't believe (whehe) I'm becoming more mature with regard to many things.
--> I was able to confront someone really important to me about adult things that are unspoken of...I was really apprehensive. I thought I couldn't do it. I prayed and with God's grace, I was able to do it.

Although another part of me is hesitant...that I'm starting to be preachy. I had a debate last night with one of my good friends about God. He did not believe in God and I was surprised. I'm not sure if I handled the whole argument the best way I could. It's just that I see things differently and I want to share the joy and peace one finds in realizing that God is here with us...no matter what religion. Spirituality is important. Even Pope John Paul (May he rest in peace) was an advocate of ecumenism. It's not anymore about the Roman Catholic Church only. It's about seeing that there is something more. But I realized...I should push it. People are different. I could have a hard time figuring out Chemistry problems but another person would be puzzled why I didn't like Chem. All I know is, we are all called by God and one way or another (my friend may be an atheist right now but) we cannot deny His presence.

Anyways, enough of that. Hihi
other points about maturity:
--> I have been attending a Christian cell group for quite sometime now. Although I stopped for one month (in March since I had other plans) I've started attending again. I have to admit that at the start, I was a bit apprehensive. What was I doing there, given that I'm a Catholic? hehe wala lang...but I'm starting to enjoy it. Our topic last saturday was about Spiritual Maturity. What is it? How does one become spiritually mature?
(i'll spare the lecture on it for next time ;p haha ayoko naman na parang masyadong heavy yung blog entry ko...but seriously i think it makes sense it's just that i have to shorten my entry since i have to do other important things and i think this is loaded as it is)

--> living alone for 3 days in our townhouse...as in without a maid! i wash the dirty clothes (my clothes and my dad's clothes). my favorite household equipment would be the washing machine! haha. i cook for myself. i'm cleaning the clutter since we haven't fixed everything after we've moved in and basically i do it all by myself. the place is starting to look more like someone really lives here!

--> how i handled an awkward situation. (i realized, ang tanda ko na para maging immature about these things. besides, i believe that my friend deserves that kind of maturity from me.)

--> not easily frightened about things anymore...or to put it clearly...i don't let fears take hold of me and motivate my behavior (Thank you talaga Lord for your graces ;))

--> haha and one last thing (hindi talaga mature pero feeling adult ;p) nakipag-inuman na rin ako finally with STrainers although i just had 2 bottles of beer. makulit lang na kuwentuhan at debate =p

although i know i'm still in the process.
i've made some mistakes.
i'm trying to learn from it.
i'm sorry.
trust me.

throbbing headache (revised)

2005-03-18T20:56:00.000+07:00

i'm here right now at our new house.
typing away, trying to bear with the not-so-well functioning keyboard.
i have to press the spacebar harder cos it doesn't seem to work well.
anyways, i feel a bout of whining about to come.
well, actually all the worrying in my mind is starting to get to me. ack...this keyboard is streessing me out.labo.haha.ganito na lang ang type ko. ok,fine. anyways, i'll fix this
later. i just need to vent out all these mix of emotions starting to stir up inside me its getting cloudy.
hehe ang drama ko talaga. i feel uncomfortable. i feel alone but not so alone. i feel happy but also sad. i'm worried but thanks to my quiet moments each day, i bear with things. i don't want to blame my older sis for my headache but it seems all the worrying of the people around me is getting to me.my older sis worries about things to be done at home, then my 3rd sister worries about her tests in school..and it just makes my head ache and throb.
i plan to do lots of stuff. i want to do lots of stuff but i also worry. bad. i shouldn't be the one being influenced by all those worrying. i should try to influence them. oh wells... i'm getting dizzy with no spaces.

i'll just sleep so that the headache will go away. meditating helps! ;p i like it. taking a bath is also a stress reliever! ;) thank you Lord for the small stuff that sometimes i take for granted.

ok,now i'm sleepy. good night;)

2005-03-13T19:15:00.000+07:00

Panginoon,
turuan mo akong maging bukas palad
turuan mo akong maglingkod sa iyo.

Slowly, I stop. I breathe.
I feel the cold breeze on my skin.
The warm rays of the sun are caressing my face.
It's like a dream but it's so real.
I feel my heart singing,
humming softly,
crying sweetly.
How blessed could someone be?
Why do you love me?
I feel ugly. I'm so pathetic and I falter.
I fall down, cry:
"Oh, father!"

All the time I have been dwelling,
trapped in myself
When you're right in front,
reaching out and calling me.

Praise you Jesus Christ, my Savior.
You are the Way, the Truth and Light.

I close my eyes and still you fill me with your presence.

I breathe in. I breathe out. I open my eyes.
I'm alive. I'm loved. I am empowered!

be back on march 12 =)

2005-02-27T20:22:00.000+07:00

i'll be attending an 8- silent retreat..the one for seniors.

I'l be leaving this Wed...and I'll be surrendering my phone by 5pm that day. I'll get my phone back on March 11. I'll be back in Manila on March 12...in time for the Norah Jones concert....yay! =)

Exciting! Exciting! (but first i have to finish this social psy take home exam and empirical paper! hocus focus!)

babush! ;) talk to you guys soon (haha ang kulit...i feel like it's an "extra challenge" thing as well for me to go to the silent retreat...but ofcourse, i also feel a need to allot time for my beloved ;p (Si Kuya Jess)

Surreal

2005-02-27T00:48:00.000+07:00

Ang drama ko.

I just attended our Thesis Conference tonight.
I had mixed emotions. I was looking around, observing each face I saw, each one part of the batch of Psychology majors who would be graduating this March.

I saw him ofcourse. He looked nice. Lately, I've been boggled with my feelings for him. I questioned if I was totally over him. In fairness, I haven't been dreaming about him (how childish/weird/silly...i actually base my liking for a guy to the frequency and content of my dreams about him) and he hasn't crossed my mind too much except when I see him. I have to admit, he still has an effect on me. I felt confused and bittersweet. I remembered the moments we shared. I realized, he's the first guy I really liked so much. Why didn't it work? We both liked each other. What ifs...how is he? Although right now, another person crosses my mind more often, I can't say he will be replaced. It's never the same.

Then, I also realized...along the way. I almost felt tears fall on my cheeks...I'm graduating. God. Despite everything I've been through - the shock, the frustrations, the changes. I almost would not have graduated on time...if not for some miracle. What if I never became sick? What if I was back, second semester as a sophomore still with my BS Psy block - block Y? What would change? Where will I be right now? Weird...I asked myself lots of questions. Despite everything, I'm glad and I'm very grateful that I am going to graduate on time. Although honestly, I feel I haven't done much...I haven't excelled in my academics nor made a big impact in the organizations I've joined...I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all the rich experiences. There is no sense in dwelling in the what-ifs...everything that happens to us has a reason. I guess I wouldn't have as much insights as I have right now if I didn't go through everything I went through. Thank you Lord.

And lastly, what was surreal with my whole experience tonight was when I walked back to my place from SS Foyer.
Haha...napa-emote ako!
The moon was so bright and round.
I was just enjoying the moment, walking and looking around.
Ang weird. I passed by Colayco hall...and the way I looked at it was like it was abandoned. In a few days, it could probably be gone. All the orgs will be transferring to the Mateo-Ricci Center. Glimpses of the moments I spent in this building crossed my mind - when we were still in the old STrains room, the people, the laughter, the heat, the optimism and excitement I felt everytime I spent time with STrainers. I remember how the Colayco Pavillion was the Sunken Garden before. I felt like those were the blissful days I was so naive. Then I was looking around, I passed PIPAC and I was walking along the pathway going to SEC and CTC. The school was deserted. It had an eery feel to it. It was like I was in a time warp where I didn't have any clue if I was seeing the future.

What's the sense of all these? What will I do after college?
Instead of taking the typical route passing the CTC gardens, I passed by SEC C and Mateo-Ricci. I was trying to absorb everything.

College is really like a roller coaster ride..the one with the twists and turns and goes upside down. At first you're scared, then you ride it and you enjoy it. There are moments you feel uneasy and you scream...and you just enjoy the whole feeling and before you know it...the ride is finised and it's time for you to go out and let others try it for themselves.

Anyways, this is getting too long. Despite the sentiments of graduating, I still have two more things to do - social psy take home exam and social psy empirical paper. Haha ang sabog ko na.

I just need to vent out all the drama hangover I have after tonight.

I find cleaning and organizing my stuff therapeutic. Hehe enough, I'm not sure if I'm still making sense in a coherent way...although bitin ang mga pinagsasabi ko. (hehe parang Before Sunset...tsk! i like it but i'm also irritated with it)

Waah!!! Ga-graduate na ako...I feel sooo old. It's like what I read somewhere (I think for theo) we all have a little kid inside of us...that we have to be patient with. Huhuhu..ayoko pa! I love college!

Thank You Lord for my Life =)

2005-02-18T03:07:00.000+07:00

gosh...I just realized..
it's been two years since that day that I almost lost my life.

I'm so grateful for everything that has been given to me.
Despite all the frustrations, all the tears and heartaches...
I'm glad I'm still here. I'm happy to be able to live and love continously.
I'm so grateful for the people around me who have loved me sincerely and unconditionally.

Lord, thank you so much for the gift of life, for the gift of this experience that has left an impact on me. How humbling it was to be at your mercy and to be as helpless as I was. May I be able to share your blessings to others.

And now, as I finish all my requirements in school, before I graduate..
I look back with tears flowing from my heart. I wouldn't have done or had anything any other way. I'm overwhelmed by the richness of all my experiences since I was a freshman in college.

I have changed a lot. I don't look at the world optimistically with naive eyes anymore. But rather, I see something more, beyond open eyes.

I'm still struggling with myself but I feel more alive than before.

For all that has been, thank you very much. I have learned so much more than I have expected. I have received continoulsy, beyond measure.
Sorry for the hurt I have caused others.

For all that will come, bless me and give me strength. Lots of exciting things ahead. Lots of changes and decisions to make. May I be able to discern well and trust more.

As of now, I feel empowered. May I move beyond my limits, emotions and frustrations. There's a bigger world, waiting to be discovered and inspired. ;)

Again, thank you. xiexie. merci.
maraming salamat sa lahat ng nagmahal at patuloy na nagmamahal sa akin, sa mga biyayang patuloy na dumadaloy sa atin,
sa pag-asang walang kupas na tumatalab sa damdamin.

Amen =)

nice! hehehe

2005-02-15T17:49:00.000+07:00

;) naaliw lang ako. it's my attempt at poetry.

magaslaw =p

getting really sentimental (it's almost over)

2005-02-13T21:24:00.000+07:00

hayayay...
huhuhu...
hehe ;p
drama...but seriously.

while surfing the net, supposedly just to e-mail my thesis groupmates....
I realized, shucks....I have only 1 MORE WEEK left in Ateneo. (Hehe drama, but after this week, finals week na ng seniors...and it's all over...scary, happy,anxious)

There are lots of things on my mind.
My mind seems to lose control when I try to focus and concentrate and close my eyes...especially during hypnosis class.

So many thoughts. Was I able to make the most of my college life? Do I have any regrets? What have I learned? How have I changed? Am I ready to surf bigger waves? Will I meet my friends again? It's like I'm seeing the "welcome" banner of the rest of my life.
hehe OA...but that's how I really feel.

I realized, there are a lot of decisions and changes I will soon be faced with...and just thinking about it right now overwhelms me.

I really want to go to the Silent Retreat. =) That decision, I'm happy about.

I still have to visit Nanay and light a candle for her. May she rest in peace.

So much emotions. It's valentines day tom! ;) share the love! hahaha lesbos na! =p nyak....i'll stop making that a defense mechanism.
I'm still discerning about things. Emotions can be deceiving...that's what my friend says...but I realized to truly understand, one must assess her feelings. It's not like I will dwell in it...but I should really listen.

Anyways, I feel the love vibe! =p oh diba?! haha I just feel happy but it doesn't have to be because I'm in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. (Puwede rin but I don't want to hurry it up for the sake of...haha, I can't deny the fact that I think there's such a thing as senior syndrome talaga...rationalization: according to Erikson's stages of socioemotional dev, after identity vs. identiy confusion, the next stage is intimacy vs. isolation =p) I'm just grateful for the people around me who make me feel loved. Hugs and kisses make my day ;p especially from little kids...(di ako pedo ah!) therapeutic! good thing sandy is here so i have an unlimited stock of those! =p

now, I feel better. I have more drive to make the most of this week.
Exciting! =) STrains elections! Final papers! Busybee! Plus....I remembered...have to fix my proposal for a new Psyche structure! Woohoo! no more sleepy head...work work work! this is the last stretch! =)

for those reading this, i just want to thank you for being part of my college experience (hehe i know ang drama...but i mean it.) especially to the STrainers. Mahal ko talaga ang mga STrainers - from the dinostrainers to the present. =) I've never been touched this much by a group of people. I learned how to love unconditionally because of this org. (ops...hehe not the issue you might be thinking about ok...org nga eh...=p di lang one person)

that's it. =)

clouded

2005-02-07T22:03:00.000+07:00

my thoughts have been clouded by my emotions.

Although LT3F helps...i'm not doing it consistently.

I have lots of insights to share but I can't seem to get myself to write on my blog. Sometimes, I realized, it's better to keep your emotions to yourself or atleast I should tell it to few people. I'm getting old. Eek...I'm getting boring ;p I have to take things lightly.

Balance. Having a listening, humble heart is not an easy thing to have. My patience is being stretched to the extreme limits. I feel the sores of being a "gymanst."

One thing, I'm happy about...I think me and "Chinky" are friends again...I greeted him last Friday and he actually replied. Makulit na siya. Although not too much to the point of putting too much meaning into it...which is good. =) I hope that what he told me was true....(Somethings never change =)) I hope I'll be able to maintain my resiliency, patience, optimism even in confusing times.

I've been running away from my subconscious...it's showing up on my dreams. I shouldn't shove away my emotions - both anger, hate and love.
I need to gain more self-awareness and "centering" as Fr. Bu says from our hypnosis & hypnotherapy class. It's so exciting.

I have lots of other concerns but I feel lazy to write about it. I'm thinking of applying to Xavier and Ateneo Grade School but I'm also considering Corporate HR and HR consulting firms. I feel apprehensive to apply because I fear getting rejected. But I'm trying to go beyond this fear.

I like the song: Your Heart Today ;)

This is all babbling. I just wanted to write an entry but I find what I did a bit dragging. I like writing on my personal journal more. I can't wait to write and write and reflect in the silent retreat on March.

Warrior Soul

2005-02-02T23:42:00.000+07:00

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating.You don't give up. You're committed and brave.Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle.Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog.
You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods.You also value honesty and fairness a great deal.You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding.You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

wow...ehehe Warrior soul ako....yeah! warrior of the light! =p
cool! about the honesty thing, the picky about details, liking the underdog and actually being intimidating....hehe it makes sense ;p weird, some guys are actually intimidate at me. di naman ako mukhang bully?! hehe ok fine....i may have a strong personality. although i think i can adapt naman and i'm open-minded. i hope it's not just the way i see it.

goal for this year:

2005-01-23T23:35:00.000+07:00

to have a more trusting, listening,humble and discerning heart.

;)

I haven't been writing that much since I'm enjoying writing on my personal journal,which I also type on my computer except that I don't publish it online since it's really personal. I like it =)

I'm becoming more aware of my emotions and of my actions. =)
Sometimes, it doesn't feel good. It feels uncomfortable but that's the way it is and that's the way I would have it. I should stop psychologizing people...even myself. Listening to others and understanding them as well as dealing with my emotions are the better alternatives.

(with smiling...dreamy eyes..) I have a new crush! (which I seldom say)
=) He's sooo charming!

I like where I am right now.

someday...I'll be ready to tell this to someone =p (and maybe sing it as well! haha)
"Suddenly, I don't need the answers' cos I....I'm ready to take all my chances with you." (Nice!)

2005-01-17T13:04:00.000+07:00

the heart of a child

2005-01-17T11:29:00.000+07:00

I've always thought of myself as child-like.
After spending lots of time with kids like my lovable sister Sandy, I've assumed that I also carry with me a child-like personality - someone who's innocent, carefree and trusting.

That was what I thought.
But in reality, I'm far from it.
Probably being childish, that, sometimes I can be.

A series of events, hit me...and it hit me big time.
Ang sakit. It was frustrating. I felt bad.
Ganun ba ako kasama?
Do I just look kind but in the end, I'm really not?
Am I just repressing my feelings?
Is there a Mr. Hyde in me I have been hiding?

I cried. I cried really hard. It's frustrating to feel that you've tried your best to be a good person, to be nice to everyone but in the end to realize that it hasn't been working smoothly as you thought it would have.

I have made mistakes I'm not proud of. I've been very irresponsible with certain things, with many things. I've been consistent in being inconsistent. I didn't know. Or I didn't want to know? Did I really listen?

It sucks to feel this low. However, I appreciate this. I'm grateful for having these realizations. I'm not perfect.

As one of the STrainers told me..cheer up, everybody makes mistakes =)
I shouldn't be too hard on myself in a sense that I should just whine and stay frustrated with my shortcomings.

Kaya ko magbago!
Kakayanin 'to.

I haven't been keeping up with my promised baby steps.
I should start anew. This time, it's for real.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm really sorry for hurting You (lots of people on my mind.)
I've hurt myself without knowing.
If only, I just listened more.

Last night, I heard an old familiar song during mass.
I used to sing it over and over again when I was a little kid.
I got it from a milk commercial then. I didn't understand the lyrics that well...but as I listened to it last night it hit me.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" does not mean you should dwell on yourself.
If you really love yourself, you would allow yourself to be the best person you can be, you would allow yourself to love whole-heartedly.

It's important to strive to see beyond things, to see something more.
Love has no boundaries.

I wasn't able to listen to the entire homily but one phrase struck me.

The heart of a child is a humble heart.

Father, please forgive me.

"I believe the children are our future. teach them well and let them lead the way."

tabula rasa ( to love, infinity and beyond!) =j

2004-12-28T19:45:00.000+07:00

before the year comes to an end, there are some realizations I want to share...

+I'm grateful for the blessings God has showered me amidst trying times.
I wouldn't have coped up with everything if not for my faith. Prayers are powerful.

+I'm so happy and grateful for my life and for all those who love me and whom I love. Yes, I'm still alive and kicking! ;) (still stubborn,crazy and silly!) and I really appreciate and love all the people that have touched my life...

My family: I know we're all not perfect...but despite all the shortcomings each one of us has...I'm so grateful for the support that we have shown each other. I hope forgiveness and love will flourish in our hearts. After all the hurts, pains, joy and laughter...I think this family is destined to become better with the grace of God. I love each one of you dearly - Mommy, Papa, Ate Jack, Cathy, Anne, Sandy...I will always be here for you guys.

RD: Despite the differences (and I have to admit there were times I really couldn't understand you and we probably had opposite views...although I never really confronted you) we've made it through so much...from the conversations and lunches when we had our practicum, the frustrations, anxieties, problems, joys and silly things we've shared to each other I have grown to appreciate and love you more. I hope we'll be able to influence each other to become better people. Thanks for all the insights you've shared with me...I've learned from them. Thanks for allowing me to be your best friend. =)

O: Thanks for the remarkable friendship...for listening to my crazy, silly thoughts, for the tears we've shared, for being there just when I needed you the most. From the frustrating moments, embarassing moments and confusing moments, we have shared it all. We have grown and changed. I'm pretty sure that we will be sharing more happy, probably some sad, surprising moments together. You will always be my number one girlfriend! ;)

Abro: Thanks for our weird friendship =p haha despite everything we've been through, I'm glad we've managed to stay close friends. Thanks for being there during some of my low moments and for the comforting words you have given me. I'm grateful for you and the rest of the cot peeps (Poy, Kev, Kay, Luipox.)

T: Thanks for being honest with me. Thank you for sharing yourself to all of us. Thanks for being so passionate with what you're doing. Thanks for making me smile and making me hope that despite everything - the trials, frustrations, anxieties - everything's going to be alright. Thanks for being patient and understanding. Sorry if I have ever hurt you or made you feel bad because of the way that I talk. Although, I've been irritated with how confusing you can also be sometimes (I try to understand because you've got lots of things on your mind, lots of responsibilities) you're still my No Frontiers guy ;p

Jaybo: Although, you don't seem to be there all the time...you've managed to comfort me with your presence. I know that you are one person I can depend on when I really need help. Thanks for being the person that you are and for accepting crazy me =p I hope you'll find..or stumble upon your Sassy girl...please don't be a sassy boy...you're such a hot chick e haha kidding! I know you're destined for greater things. =) basta, walang kalimutan kapag sikat ka na (either as a hot rocker chick or management guru)...haha

the STrainers (new,old and alumni):
Indeed, you are my second family. I have grown to love you guys amidst the diversity among us. Thank you for loving STrains as much as I do. Thank you for loving me. They say every batch of STrainers have their own culture that's different from the past...I have been witness of that. From our hyper batch when I was a freshie, the pre's and mre's, the "Itaas mo" days, to the "Ibigay mo" days, STrains serves! knuckle synergy punches (there i tried giving it a name)...one thing is constant...it's the love , idealism and hope that binds us all. Continue loving, continue hoping and continue working for our vision. Love the work! Love the people!

the TNT Core '04:
Berto, super duper thank you for the friendship. =) we've been through a fast but challenging roller coaster ride. It was fun and fulfilling. For the crunch time, the overnights, the brownfriends, the super late/early morning phone conversations to discuss things, the perspiration and frustrations we've shared I have discovered what a wonderful person you are...with your oh so soft voice and sexy blengblengs...haha. I've grown to cherish you guys. Thank you for sharing yourself to me. Congratulations for our right decision of choosing the core. We may have our shortcomings but I know we all learned from the experience. I'm proud of our babies (Go Ria, Jehl and Joboy! Good luck and God bless next year!) =)

+I'm sorry for having hurt you (yellow). I never meant for that to happen. I had my doubts I've been holding back. It just exploded. I loved you and you'll never know how much. I just hope you're doing better now. I've learned from our mistakes. Thank you for everything. I hope we could still be friends.

+ Nanay, you will always be in my heart. Salamat po sa walang sawa at dakilang pagmamahal ninyo sa amin. Sorry po sa lahat ng kasalanan ko sa inyo. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Sana kung saan man kayo, maligaya na kayo sa Maykapal. Huwag po kayo mag-aalala, aalagaan ko ang lahat ng mga kapatid ko pati si Papa, Mommy and Daddy. I will never forget you. Salamat sa pagpapalaki sa akin ng maayos. May you rest in peace.

as the year comes to an end, I look back, knowing that I have learned so much and I'm ready to face bigger challenges ahead. I have come to realize that the secret to living life to the fullest is by loving with all your heart and trusting in God. Despite all the heartaches, pains, frustrations and failures...there is still hope. Love endures. Love changes people. It sure changed me.

I pray that everyone will have a blessed New year's eve! =)

I pray for all those people who are suffering right now..for the victims of the calamities all around. May You give them strength and hope to be able to go through everything. May you give us the grace to help these people in every way we can. Thank you Lord.

"Fall in love, Stay in love and it will decide everything." -Fr. Pedro Arrupe

the Unseen

2004-12-25T17:14:00.000+07:00

=)

according to the Little Prince, what is essential is invisible to the eye.
I would have to agree.

I've been thinking about these things lately...
some call it ESP or magic or the power of the mind
But what I'm really curious to know is how it could be a part of me.
What am I to find?

I'm a seeker of truth.
I don't like deceit nor ambiguity.
However, the truth cannot be conceptualized in its totality.
They say hypnosis and the sort of exploration leads you to a different level of reality.
This excites me.

I've recently read the Valkyries.
I like it. =) It's so true.
Beyond the magic of Paulo Coelho's novel, there are some insights that are worth pondering upon.

Why do we kill the one/the things we love?
Indeed, it is true. One way or another, the people we love are the people we hurt the most.
But why?
I connect this with the first thing Paulo had to do to see his angel.
He had to break a pact..the pact with the darkness. What this was saying was he had to stop himself from hurting himself and from thinking that he doesn't deserve all the blessings he has. It's like with someone you love or something you're passionate about...
I don't know how to put it into words that would be logical enough right now.
I can just relate. I think we all do in some sort of way.

so many other thoughts popping in my head...
i think it's making me dizzy.
Recently, I've been feeling light-headed at times...it's scary, weird and surreal.
There was this time, I thought I would almost pass out. I was alone at National in SM. Suddenly it seemed as if my whole world was slowly blurring out and becoming vague. I was nauseated. Good thing I got a grip of myself. Thanks to my angel (msytical being! =p) I want to talk to..like what Paulo did in the Valkyries. Have you ever had that feeling fo losing consciousness? Of just falling and blacking out? It's weird. It's scary. It made my heart beat faster, it aches.

I'm going crazy ;p
I hope it's more of a sign that my soul is trying to enlarge.

Do you know that gold fishes actually grow bigger once put in a bigger aquarium?
Trying to test the waters, changing from a small aquarium to a bigger one or even seeing the sea could be overwhelming. ;) Let's see.

Maligayang Pasko sa lahat ng Pilipino! =)
"alay sa lahat ngayong pasko, ang pag-ibig ni HesuKristo...
kalakip ang dalangin, pag-asa ay buhayin, muling ng pagpalain
Hesus, ngayong Pasko."

frustrating (why can't they see i'm grown-up already)

2004-12-18T09:29:00.000+07:00

argh! i'm not sure if "ang yabang ko." it's not like that. it's just frustrating. i've always thought that i've never really gone out that much at all.

as in, ako ang baduy palagi. the cinderella...the one who always leaves earlier or just drops by. bitin na lang palagi. hay...
i know i can't have it all... but then again why do i always have it half baked! it's bad..that i don't seem grateful for all my blessings....but i guess it's also my senior syndrome acting upon my emotions...

it's my last year. can't my dad just allow me this time? i just went to one night of caroling. (well, he's reason was i'm too tired from the first night so i shouldn't push it...but i wasn't that tired....) then the block Y christmas party....i haven't been attending our christmas party completely...that last i remember was when i was in second year and i just passed by!) (he tells me it's really dangerous these days because it's christmas and all the bad guys are out to get money)

hay...eheheh why can't I be treated like an adult! haha so ironic, i'm whining right now like a deprived kid! =p huhuhu i just want to make the most of my senior year in college. after all, i won't be spending much time with these people after. shucks....bawi na lang next time...as i always say. i just hope i really do make up for it before i graduate.

i'm really sorry for arguing with my dad. I know he just worries about me...but my sentiments with the senior syndrome is taking a hold of my emotions.

tsk...if only i had a car. it would also be easier. (but then again, my sister tells me to look for a boyfriend who has a car, like RD! Kuya nicko's super nice..ehehe they took me to eastwood last tues to have dinner! =p yumyum, superbowl! nyak hehe but it's hard for me to ask favors like that from guys..) haha i want to be an independent woman haha (all the women so independent...lala) =p but i'm ironic..i don't like guys who don't seem to care also.

anyways, i want to go to Divi! haha but i'll just commute. shucks....i'm not sure if i'll go or not...who I'm going to ask to go with me! =p O is busy today. oh well, let's see. really have to buy my gifts!

"Ngunit kahit na anong mangyari,ang pag-ibig sana'y mag-hari....sapat ng si Hesus ang kasama mo...
Tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang Pasko" =)

Maligayang Pasko!

it's harder than i thought but it's worth it

2004-12-11T02:50:00.000+07:00

haha i'm not sure if i'm overanalyzing again or thinking too much or it really makes sense....recently i think i've slipped again.

my Stupid mouth has got me in trouble, i said to much again...talaga =p

i don't know but i seem to use wrong words for things i want to say that the impression is it's not something good. (ewan)

i won't analyze too much but i just like the ABCs of Attitude! =p haha speaking of...better start studying for Social Psych!

A-ffect
B-ehavior
C-ognition

Cognition -->Behavior --> Affect

ang cool lang ng insight. important talaga ang perspective and paradigm shift. having a positive attitude is not everything....it's also the actions.
but according to theo...dapat contemplatives in action =p

ok, will take a nap before i go to PAPJA =p
i like our STrains caroling message...especially the Ngayong Pasko & Tuloy na Tuloy pa rin =) Hopeful, i like.

sukli (baby steps)

2004-12-08T03:58:00.000+07:00

(haha corny ko talaga ;p)

+ Think first before talking!!!
I've realized over the week that I could be very tactless...as in I don't know what comes out of my mouth! most of the time being blunt isn't the key...it's being honest and there's a difference.

+ Be more affectionate and expressive (especially to my family)
I haven't put into practice what I've learned from Stephen Covey. I should try to be more affectionate. Although I admit it's hard to be more expressive...since they all know me in the family as the rational one. (Ako ang pinaka-di malambing! I don't say I love you at all...I can count it in one hand how many times I did) It's because they may think I'm not sincere or it's weird since "i'm not like that" (and we all have a tendency to put people into categories) but in reality I do love them. of course i do. I just wish I was back in the hospital bed again where I was more affectionate and expressive. haha sabi nga repressed ;p i will try..one baby step at a time.

(this is my target for december..let's see on january)

right in front of me

2004-12-08T03:36:00.000+07:00

i watched Munting Tinig the other day. I liked it. (besides the fact that Alessandra de Rossi didn't realistically look like she knew how to play the flute...wrong way of blowing! =)) I sort of saw myself in her shoes.

I want to be a teacher I want to teach little kids. I want to inspire people and I want to help the less fortunate.

I've thought of actually joining the JVP. Besides helping out, I like adventure and extraordinary challenges! ;)

But, one main factor that hinders me from so doing is my family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly but sometimes I think they demand so much that it hinders me from going out of this circle to help others. Sometimes it just frustrates me...I think we are fortunate enough and other people need more help.

But then I stop there. I realize that I should try to help the people around me first before I extend myself to others. How can I expect to influence and help other people when I haven't fully helped and influenced my family to be better?

Then comes the issue...why am I not effectively helping my sisters, our family? It's probably because the change has to start from me.

As Gandhi put it:
"You must be the change you wish to see in this world."

But sometimes it's just so tempting to be catatonic, to be indifferent and to stay asleep. it seems more exciting when you help out in some new place with new people. However, I realized it could also be exciting and challenging to inspire the people around me. It's about perspective.

I just hope I see it more clearly...that the change has to start from me.

" I can see clearly now, the rain has gone....all of the bad feelings have disappeared. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind...it's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day!" ;p

after all...there is always a chance to change ;) as long as you're alive.

ok, hocus focus! =p

feeling better =)

2004-12-05T20:29:00.000+07:00

my emotions are starting to subside...it's not too confusing after all. it can be simple. i don't have to make it complicated. i'll take it as it comes. =) and i'll stop overanalyzing or thinking too much!

i just hope Griffin is okay. i haven't talked to him recently. i miss him...i hope we'll get to hang-out sometime.. i miss those memories ;) no sense in confusing him though.

things will eventually fall into place. i sincerely believe in this. although i also believe that it's up to people to allow things to fall into place.

my all time favorite prayer:
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can and
the courage to know the difference.
Amen.

i'm really blessed =)
i hope i will be enlightened with the choices i make and the steps i take.
talking helps. listening is challenging but enlightening.

i'm going to get a haircut..finally! =)
exciting ;p

confused =s

2004-12-01T10:38:00.000+07:00

i've been thinking about doing things. like i'll write on my blog about this, maybe he's reading it and he will know how i feel. but it would just be complicated. am i the one making things complicated? or it really is? i thought of actually talking to the past in order for me to move on. i don't know...it's just plain messy...it's weird.

how can you like someone and still like another person?
love is not just a decision. but it's foundation is built on it.

all the love talk is making me dizzy, with nausea.
what's weirder is that i really care for them to the point that i'm willing to risk my life to save them? drama! or maybe i'll just be lazy..that would be the easy way out. after all they are not doing anything. it won't mean i'll stop caring for them. =p

ayoko na. i'll just stop analyzing too much.

i'm not sure the sparks are still there.
does he actually feel it? i don't know.
does he read this? half of me is wishing he is.
but again, it might just be all in my mind.
afterall, he never did say anything and i think he never will.
too bad. i don't think he knows he's the first guy i really liked and i didn't even know why. hay, let's just not go there. i'm so tempted to confront but i know he doesn't want to. i totally understand. but what will happen? can i wait? the feelings are fleeting. the distance is growing.

(sana di himayin ng mga tao 'to, please don't try to guess the people involved. i don't want that to happen. i just need to vent out all these crazy thoughts that have been bugging me, although i've stayed sane. ako pa, i'm so rational. well, that's what i'd like to think =p )

actually, this is not meant for exposure.
ehehe i just don't know how to make it private.
(uhm, ara? mig? jem? help!) hehe

ok, now i'm better. =) enough of this irrationality.

before sunrise =)

2004-11-28T04:20:00.000+07:00

we literally talked before sunrise =) haha well it will be an hour or so before the sun comes up.

finally, habla con Tiago happened ;) although it wasn't planned. i realized he's the spontaneous type sometimes. it was enlightening or reliving in a way. i told him all my hang-ups and he just listened. what i liked most about what we shared was the insight he said about relationships. there's the sexual attraction, "i'm in love" part which we sensationalize and there's the consistent feeling of comfort around that person. i actually remembered that movie "Before Sunrise" that i've watched just recently. I like that thought. I would want to have a connection with the person I would eventually love. It just comes naturally.

Hay....let's just see. I won't feel awkward, blessed be =)

one word i remember before sunrise is when they mention about love being an attempt.

anyways, am sleepy. good night=)

inspired =)

2004-11-26T01:03:00.000+07:00

last saturday, i went to the 7 habits of highly effective families talk by Stephen Covey. It is inspiring. I went with my mom, just in time, after she had been feeling bad with family stuff lately.

i should try to apply these stuff in my life. one thing i won't forget is the part where stephen answered the question in the open forum about how children can help in their families. it hit me.

- should not be too critical, avoid complaining (must lessen my critical mode...or atleast try to be more tactful with my comments!)
- words i should say and mean more:
THANK YOU
PLEASE
I LOVE YOU
HOW CAN I HELP?

as for the other things i've learned...will apply it when i become a mom and a wife ;) having a family mission statement is synergizing =p

as for today, i helped facilitate, along with my fellow strainers, the Ninoy and Cory Aquino Center for Leadership 1st Year Anniversary. I learned a lot from the talks and more over from the group sharing me and Jeffy Chan Chan (Chan-Chan-Chan Chan Chan Chan...in the tune of the Banana song =p) were in-charge of. Haha and there was a cute participant as well who winked at me =p many points that struck me, some of them are as follows:

-Leadership: the essence of leadership stems from Hope and Optimism in people =)
- Spirituality. I have to agree the prayers are powerful. It's also important to reflect.
-Passion with Vision, Excellence with Meaning
~ Have you ever loved something so much that you're willing to die for it?
- Leadership is not in the position its in the role (Maxwell); Leadership does not stop when your term as an officer stops

FAITH, HOPE and LOVE.

coolness to the max =)
i'm on a high...
i hope this moves me to be better.

i'm ignited.
i'm inflamed.
i'm called.
i...

2004-11-16T20:30:00.000+07:00

many issues. many things i want to say to some people.

terribly missing Sandy. I wish I could be with her. She just called me up a while ago because she was freaking out. My mom and dad weren't around. Cathy accompanied Anne to the hospital and she's confined. Ate Jack is somewhere probably in Teachers' camp. Poor little baby is all alone at our home in Baguio with our maid. I hate this distance (literally!) within our family. I want to be with them but I have to be a student.

totally harassed today. what a way to start the day? got back to Manila at 5am alone. Anne went back to Baguio at the first stop since she had a bad tummyache. She left her stuff with me. I was carrying around 7 bags when I got down Victory liner. My t68 was low batt. I realized I left my 6230 in the bus because of all the other stuff I was carrying. Such a long day and a long story but I want to say I'm still grateful. I'm blessed. I got my phone back. I was able to cram my paper for Educ33 and my homework for Psy108! (tsk...better stop this "sabog" mode.) I saw a friend and I bought Magis =p

haha i told myself i would stop writing personal stuff here in my blog. i can't help it. it's just plain therapeutic. plus i want to record things in order for me to remember and it would be nice to reminisce. anyways, i don't think a lot of people are reading this. =p

ok, time to read!

anxious

2004-11-14T10:38:00.000+07:00

i had a nightmare last night.
i'm not sure if it's because of all the hypnosis thing
or my issues.
it was freaky.
i was talking to voices.
it was noisy.
i was confused.
then i felt something/someone very heavy sitting on top of me.

i can't remember what we were talking about.

i slept in the other room because i couldn't take it.
still heard a few muffled sounds but it was outside.

i just wish i knew what i'm going to do...

labo

am i two-faced?
or just ironic?
im happy and yet angry
i'm optimistic but i can be cynical.
oh well, i'm just normal.

subconscious is that you?

2004-11-13T19:29:00.000+07:00

tried hypnosis again. i think it's fun =p
but my sisters are starting to get freaked out with me.

oh well, it's just so exciting to know another part of yourself.

i did the yes-no thing with my hands.
weird questions with "i'm still in denial answers."

habla con tiago didn't happen.
i realized i don't know what to say
(or i just don't want to talk and i just want to remain immature.)
besides, he didn't seem to want to talk...
he might just be feeling the same way about confrontation.

so hard. it always shows up! from all the "hula"baloo i've had.
i'm not sure if i'm the one connecting it all up.
but it's always like that.
why can't you just be one person?

i love you. i do.
whom am i refering to?!

weird but insightful

2004-11-11T01:20:00.000+07:00

=) i've been thinking (i always do actually..to the point that some people think i over-analyze) but this kind of thinking is different, i think. haha

it's like I'm just talking to myself (ok fine, some people claim that I do, i don't deny it) but it's more of me having this reflective side.

sometimes i admit, my emotions get the best of me but i'm glad i realize the faults of my actions immediately. i've realized that i'm not quite as "perfect" (well, actually..i don't think i am, far from it) or to rephrase it not as easy to get along with as i thought i was. or am i just analyzing too much? please...tell me if i am! i need feedback =p i realized that i should be more patient and understanding (especially to my sister who really gets to me with her clingyness...sobrang selosa! and all... and to think i'm the type who probably needs more personal space) since I think other people are also trying to be patient and understanding with me. After all we are all different and we should strive to see things in a bigger picture...

different strokes for different folks, like what the saying talks about... i'm learning a lot from the different people i'm with (especially my thesis buddies!) although i admit sometimes i get frustrated because i don't think we accomplish a lot of things during our overnights and meetings (because we usually end up talking..hehe about guys! or relationships....) I'm grateful I have them for my friends. They may not be perfect. We may have lots of differences in personalities and perspectives but I appreciate how we sincerely care for each other. RD and Hanniebee are so fun to be with...I've gained lots of insights from them. We all love tea! haha how weird is that? =p and we have pochi, baby bear and dave with us!

i just hope i could be that open to my sister. i will try more ;)

the feeling of being flamed with new insights feels good. (not that going to the gym isn't! =p it's fun! )

ok, i'll stop talking to myself now and work!

there are other things i have been thinking recently but i don't have time to write. I'll just summarize it in a few sentences.

~ I feel like I'm turning into a dinosaur! =p it's just weird. I'm becoming a senti strainer making the most out of what i have. Am I a masochist that I still dwell? Parting is such sweet sorrow.

~ Habla con Tiago...haha I have to talk to him. The awkwardness is killing me. I miss him without all the complications (or is it just me making this complications in my mind?!)

~ Blessed be. I just pray that you'll have a good life. It was good while it lasted.

~ Forever Angel. I'll always be proud to be like you. I'll continue on praying for you. Don't worry. I'll always remember. I love you.

~ All that I am...All that I have...lala... Praise thee. I pray for our clingy little angel ;)

back to school =) and excited!

2004-11-09T01:09:00.000+07:00

this is going to be my last semester in college...

wow.
it's been so fast.
like all good things... never lasts.
time flies when you're having fun.
cliche but true

more than that i've learned so much.

=) looking back, I've changed a lot.
from being the naive freshie that I was
to the more mature senior I think I am.

lots of memories I won't forget
(haha...i'm getting senti again ;))

i've loved and gained a lot.
i've seen and admired the passion of others to serve.
i myself became passionate about serving.
i've cried many times out of frustrations and confusion.
i failed and i recovered.
i nearly died but i survived.
i've never felt so loved by many people.
i'm touched.
i got hurt. i was disappointed. i felt depressed and unstable.
but after all that, i think i'm more mature.
i'm so grateful to all my friends that helped me become who I am right now.
i love my family and i love you guys.
i will always cherish my college life.
=p

enough of this ;p will write something that would make more sense later.

high and dry

2004-10-25T23:38:00.000+07:00

i can't seem to stop even for a while to reflect and gather all my thoughts and feelings over the past semester. it was one heck of a roller coaster ride..that's not yet finished but soon will.

i'm buried with piles of stuff i have to fix and re-arrange in my new room.
i haven't fixed my driver's license yet.
i haven't opened a single book.
i'm stuck.

sometimes with all that's going on, you just feel catatonic..like you just don't want to move. just feel blank.

but then again..after sometime...you realize you have to continue...
there's lots of better things waiting ahead of me.
the future may seem uncertain...but there's always hope.

it's when lots of things happen that i can't seem to write.
oh well noel =p will write again soon.

i just don't like to share the things i don't want to dwell on.

____

anyways, evsem was fun =)
although it's weird seeing things differently sometimes.
i don't like being the DA (devil's advocate)....i also realized I don't like that term....hmmm.... how about Other Eye ( as in I for Insight ;p) so OI! =)
i had fun getting to know most of the new members. i think their cool ;)
there's jay-ar, marvin, jay rodriguez =p haha ang cu-cute nila ;)

ok...bitin, but that's it for now.

=)

four hugs a day..that's the minimum...

2004-10-14T15:20:00.001+07:00

"four hugs a day...that's the minimum...
four hugs a day...not the maximum..."

happy, kiddie song =)

hay...hehe
i feel a bit better now that i only have 1 project and 1 defense to go.
woohooo!!!!

then i can catch up on a lot of stuff I've been dying to do!
1) will fix my oh-so-pretty room! =) thanks to my mom! ehehe kikay talaga! pink and purple motif...my curtains purple, walls pink, ceiling purple, bed sheets pink. butterfly glow in the dark on my ceiling, angel figurines on the side. cute =) hehe

2) will reflect about stuff...the changes that's been happening, what my plans are (ehem* i can't believe i'll be thinking about the things I want to do after college already...ack...feel old =p but young at heart...haha)

3) read books and watch movies!!!
read - the fifth mountain by coehlo, angels and demons by dan brown
watch - il mare (ehehe when my thesis buddies a.k.a. the Spice Girls...go to baguio! dvd marathon na 'to ng todo! yipee!), 24 series, shark's tale, all the movie's i've missed. ahm...who has eternal sunshine dvd? borrow pls =)

4) fix the HR dept. of PSyche! =) work on our plans!

5) Go to Fitness First and work out!!! =) body balance! can't wait! ehehe

and of course bond with my family =) Miss Sandy already...she's growing up fast! Cathy's going to college soon! Try to work on myself =) improve and all...
virtue: PRUDENCE =) LOVE (hehe traces of philo and theo...i enjoyed the topics we've discussed)

might get a haircut..let's see. =)
Oh so grateful =)
Blessed be!

Thank you Lord ;) You're the bomb!

wake-up!!!

2004-10-12T23:32:00.000+07:00

i can't seem to stay awake for long recently....just when i need to stay up late to study for lots of exams. kailangan talaga bumawi ng sobra.

oh well. sometimes it's just so tempting to sleep. it's natural. you don't have to will it....you just fall asleep....but i realized you should fight it off sometimes. kaya naman eh. it's a struggle for me but it's do-able. sometimes you just have to move. keep on moving and trying...til you wake-up. i shouldn't get stuck...
jaded. ;p haha i can't take this. i still think of him often. ^-^ i miss him...his weird laugh, and lame way of joking around and teasing me. oh well, oh well...spilled milk is bad for the tummy. labo =p

i guess, my to-look-at-it-at-a-bigger-picture point is....i shouldn't run away from reality..or more than that...i should face the truth. i should face my emotions...i shouldn't dwell in my emotions but i guess it's wrong for me to deny my intuition. it's just hard to kick off the habit since i've been doing that for quite a while already. hay naku...tsk tsk...superego! dapat conscience =p

ok...=) i'm wide awake already. time to study. Please pray that i'll pass my Hi166 class.

Todo se pasa
Dios no se muda
Solo Dios Basta

i couldn't resist...i just have to release

2004-10-05T17:00:00.000+07:00

arggh!!!! end-of-the-sem hustle! stress!!!!

i felt so down because of all my low grades.
these are my lowest grades ever.
i cried last friday out of frustration.
i just couldn't control it anymore.
i'm also a person...i have emotions.
at home, i can't seem to be the emotional one.
i have to be the logical one...the rational one...
but deep down inside i'm crying, i'm dying.
dinadaan ko na lang tuloy sa pagsusuplada...
i just seem to be OC about things at home,
ang daming defense mechanisms....but it's not working.
well, at least they think i'm ok.
wouldn't want to add to my parents burdens and to the issues.
but am i really helping them by doing that?
i don't know....
sometimes, i just don't want to know and see the bigger picture.
it's also tiring to try to pretend you're okay when you're not.

but then again that was what i felt. i think. there's still traces of those emotions in me
but i'm more enlightened....
after tears have fallen...
there's nothing left to do but move on.
there's no sense in regreting.
well, actually i'm not (or am i denying? ack! i shouldn't psychologize myself already....here we go...another defmech!)

i realized...i should stop and reflect.
i haven't been doing that for quite a while.
weird. during the week that everybody's busy catching up on acads...
i realized i should really stop and reflect.
kasi....sabi ako ng sabi na dapat trust in God, dapat change in perspective...
kinain ko rin sinabi ko. all of it.

hay buhay. ;) I'm feeling better now. I realized there's no sense in dwelling in mistakes, in bitterness and frustration. it's time to move up. =) kaya 'to!

i didn't pass unilever business week. oh well...hehe i actually feel happy and relieved about it. =) i really wanted to go to the evsem and even have a few days of break before that but if i went to unilever...wala. i just want to rest, relax and reflect. sorry but i just feel all the unilever sctuff right now is pure careeristic. i even told anne last night "i don't want it...i need it...but i don't want it" when i was talking about the busweek. maybe i don't need it after all.
God has His ways. May love prevail ;) always. (hehe labo, parang walang connect but i just want to say that)

(ang sarap magsulat...therapy! =))
yay! evsem here i come!!! ;)
ok....i'm set
...ready, aim, shoot (for the stars!) =)

on leave

2004-10-02T06:33:00.000+07:00

i'll be on leave as a blogger.

really have to catch up on my acads. i need to make a 360 degree shift.

exag.

been getting Cs, Ds, Fs for long tests, quizzes, papers,etc
and 1 B for a long test.

i can't believe this.
it's the worse sem ever.
but then again i should change my mindset.
it's been crazy!
it's been one helluva sem..hehe
suicidal na ata ako with regard to my acads.

but things will get better. i'm certain of that. =)
all shall be well.
Thanks to Kuya Jess whose always there at my side.+

as for my grades....that i'm not sure.
have to hocus focus and get back on track!
i can still make it.
just have to exert lots of effort.
i have to will myself.
=) Game! Kaya 'to!
'til next time!

last entry before i dive into my books! =)
i went to lunch with him today...i had fun. ;) haha ang weird talaga nun..parang mama na parang bata. he could talk about all those concepts...then there was a moment we were talking about something tas nag...i was showing him my perspective tas nagfunny face...haha i miss our close friendship. i realized i shouldn't be pushing him away. after all we're really good friends. sayang naman. i just hope i'm doing the right thing. i miss our click! timo and jaybo! + RD) i miss the good 'ol days..ang feeling ko talaga...as if tanda-tanda ko na! ;p

blues clues ;p

2004-09-30T11:49:00.000+07:00

You're the color blue. You have the three c's in
life--you're cool, caring and confident.
Trustworthy and honest, people are naturally
attracted to you. You're unusually optimistic,
but that makes life all the better. You're an
imaginative person who loves sleeping and
dreaming. Hard-working and determined, you
excel in school. You're everybody's favorite,
and this is because you have this undefined
richness in your personality and attitude.
Mild-tempered and stable. Not to mention very
intelligent. Along with the fact that you're
conservative, you're worried about the
environment. So basically, you're generous,
dependable and devoted--just the kind of person
everybody needs. Wouldn't it be great if
everybody in the world were like you?

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

stop it...this is so self-absorbed and self-complimenting...haha
ayoko rin magpakahon sa mga konsepto.

but i just want my color!!! BLUE!
go ateneo! one big fight!;) (bawi nlang tayo next year!)

inside of my heart is an army of angels

2004-09-29T23:43:00.000+07:00

All I Need

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,
What seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.

It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart and
what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, Stay in love.
And it will decide everything.
(~Fr. Pedro Arrupe SJ)

Today's the Feast of the Archangels! - Michael, Raphael and Gabriel! ;p

mini SLE

2004-09-27T04:02:00.000+07:00

weird...after this small thing that happened...I realized how I felt.

(hmmm...just wishing no one will get who this is)

He wanted to literally carry me on his shoulders. I was scared. Well, actually...if it was a different person I would be excited to hop on and goof around. It's just that I don't know...it's not that I don't trust him. I just don't want him to get hurt. When finally, I agreed and I climbed up his shoulders...He stood up and I immediately panicked. I was scared I would fall and get hurt trying to avoid hurting him. I'm not sure if my legs hit him when I hurriedly went down. It was just a quick fleeting moment...but it made me realize things..

I realized maybe I didn't trust myself too much...that I end up not trusting him. Or it's just that I'm not yet ready...or I'm not even sure I want to...I 'm just hanging in there...there's this part of me that misses our great friendship...i wouldn't trade for anything. But it's different now. I guess, it's just me who created this gap. I just feel awkward. Call it immature if you want...I just don't want to hurt people by only getting what I want...I can't have everything.

I still want us to be close friends but it's not just like that for him. Seeing sexy beast remaining the same with hologram is a concrete example. I can feel it. It hurts. I'm not sure where to put myself. I'm trying. But I shouldn't underestimate him. He might just be more tough and resilient about these things than I thought. But then again, I'm not sure he has ever gotten hurt about these stuff. On the other hand, with what I'm doing -pushing him away I may actually be hurting him already. Hay buhay...balance. May I be enlightened.

stars shining bright above you..night breezes seem to whisper...

2004-09-26T22:18:00.000+07:00

I love you

Per Aspera Ad Astra

keep on living =)

2004-09-24T10:15:00.000+07:00

"I find the great thing in this wolrd is not so much where we stand, as in the direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind & sometimes against it - but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor" - Oliver Wendell Holmes

and changing.

but I do miss Nanay...I never realized how much I love her not until now. I have lots of fond memories with her I'll always keep in my heart. She is my angel.

keep on praying

2004-09-18T00:29:00.000+07:00

weird things have happened. i don't know if i should write it in detail here. family issues...superstitous stuff. will see tom.

anyways, the story of Griffin and Sabine fascinates me! I like! I love.

Sparks ;)

keep on loving

2004-09-16T23:17:00.000+07:00

and living.

(labo, mixed emotions - frustration, missing Nanay, confusion,)

but I realized that I shouldn't give up. There's always hope that things will get better. Recently, I've missed my old me. It seems that I'm not as optimistic as I usually feel, not as bubbly, bright and smiling. I'm not sure if it's obvious. Well inside that's how I feel.

After Nanay passed away, I felt a great loss. She was the symbol of my carefree world, my childhood days. I was her favorite and she never failed to show me how much she cared. Lots of things are changing. I feel old.

But right now, I'd like to call this growing up instead. I'm starting to get my groove back...although on a different level. I'm not as naive as before but I don't want to lose my optimism. I just have to keep on believing, praying and loving.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is enduring.

"love, love, when it comes my way..everything's gonna be okay" (cute! i have an audio recording of Sandy's voice singing this!)

coolness =)

2004-08-08T20:22:00.000+07:00

huwaw! =p ang cool naman ng blogspot! yay! hehe this is what i'll be using more often...especially if i have to write personal thoughts since my other journal is known to other people. cool, cool, cool! =) more pictures! more creative stuff! a new way of releasing issues, stress, and all. (defense mechanism: sublimation)

new life. new journal. lots of learnings and insights. =)